Pumpkinman Half Iron Race Report

count the number of times i've said "okay this is my last race"  you will run out of fingers and toes very quickly when answering.

i signed up for a half ironman two weeks before the race.  this makes me smile.  it makes me smile for two reasons.  1.  because i never thought i'd be "that person" randomly signing up for a half ironman 2 weeks before race day.  and 2. because i can't figure out if i'm stupid or just crazy.  as many know i started this triathlon game two years ago.  i never rode a bike prior to then, i hadn't swam since i was 8, and my running was whenever i felt like the swag in a race negated the entry fee. until i met my friend marci, she patiently (emphasis on patiently) answered all my questions about that "crazy ironman" race she was doing in Wisconsin.  and i was in an instant inspired, thinking maybe one day i could do that too.  maybe one day.  so i'd casually log on to the ironman website looking at race locations.  then something else happened and spite kicked in.  i logged on again and wouldn't you know registration had just opened for st george utah ironman.  i knew nothing about the course, nothing about training, and certainly nothing about what was to come.  

and so i finished st george with one sprint and one olympic under my belt and signed up for cozumel.  

in between i met these crazy kids from utah who pretty much all place in every race they do.  they are in a word.  incredible.  i brag about them (probably close to 20 of them now)  in every conversation i have about triathlons, marathons, and life.  their hearts are as big as as my competitive drive and they seem to always keep track of every race everyone is doing and offer support.  i mention this because this is why i found myself once again signing up for a race i swear i'd never do.  Pumpkinman 70.3. 

Friday.  

I bailed out of work early to head up to henderson, nv.  i met up with tori (one of these amazing utah gnomes) we grabbed our packets, ate some carbs and headed to bed.  in between i flagged down the powertri guy at the hotel for a pair of goggles since guess who forgot hers??!  at least it wasn't my bike this time.  

Saturday.  Race Day. 

Tori and I got there early and had plenty of time to get ready, apply sunscreen, and enough time for Tori to convince me that i'd be okay swimming 1.2 miles with no wetsuit.   it was an in water start guys before girls. once again i was amazed at the number of women competing, just a handful of us.  already i was feeling accomplished.  the swim went great.  that water in henderson has always been kind to me.  i don't know what it is but i always feel so calm when i swim there.  i had my mantra "everythings gonna be alright" in my head the entire way.  i sighted well and felt great getting to the bike until i saw that most of the half bikes were gone at that point.  the negative thoughts started creeping in my head, i cursed a few times, got on my bike and was off.  in one word, the bike course, HELL.  elevation is 7,000 with a 6% grade for the last 6 miles.  i felt myself starting to lose it at mile 52, this was after i had to stop TWICE to fix my chain.  

i finished the climb and thought i was doing okay but there seemed to be less people on the course with me at that point than i anticipated.  what was going on?  i pushed on to T2 and started the run. josh left me some socks, since of course i forgot mine and i smiled at once again the amazing amount of support my utah crew brings.  

i thought for sure i was one of the last on the course.  whatever you do just keep moving forward, do not quit.  it was probably 100 degrees, no shade and literally running in the desert.   i started off well probably about a 9:30 pace.  i used my "walk a cone, run a cone" tactic my two "friends" in st george taught me.  then came the cramping, the feet started to hurt and i swore i was never going to be able to get through 13.1 miles.  i passed my friend josh finishing as i was starting and got discouraged thinking "this is supposed to be my strength!???"  today just wasn't my day.  i was in pain. major pain.   the rest of the miles were a lot more of the same but i somehow managed to cross the finish.  

it will go down as the hardest race i've ever "competed" in but it will also go down as another race i've completed.    final time 7:08:32. 

so as i "swear i'll never sign up for another one"  i'm thinking i wonder what i'll do different for next year.  plus we still have NYC and Cozumel to conquer.   

baby steps, baby.  baby steps. 

if only

if only i wouldn't have stopped for water or for that cramp that got me on mile 3.  if only i would have sprinted a little harder at the finish.  if only my garmin was as accurate as i needed it to be.  if only those damn "ed hardy/bedazzle"  shoes would have increased my cadence by the mere 13 seconds that i missed my PR on today.

a year ago this would have brought me down, it would have made me question my ability once again.  today (even with a pathetic philadelphia eagles loss post race)  it made me happy.  happy that i came that close to my PR in the first place.  A year ago I didn't even know what the hell my PR for a 10K was,  i didn't ever push myself that hard to care.  this time around i started and it certainly changes ones stride.   so i didn't make it this time.  last time i was in a place i thought was perfect.  the last time i made 49:13 (yes i realize this is some people's practice runs)  i was in what i call the "old curry" phase.  then life  happened and the caring went down a bit, i signed up for an ironman, i completed and ironman and the "old curry" started to care again.  i started to care about myself.  me.  i took in selfish and embraced it.

yes, its true i'm always in a "friendly" competitions with the guys during these runs, its just to much fun when i pass them not to be.  but for once, today i took it to a new level.

a new level that had me puking at the finish line, exactly 13 seconds shy of my "new curry"  PR.

pumpkinman half?  you're up next.

a moment of silence please

i still can't look at the images, they are, 10 years later still fresh in my mind.   i am dedicating this blog entry to those who can't run, who can't ride, who can't swim.  those that can't hold their loved ones or tell them they love them anymore.  those who did what they were supposed to do that day, they went to work.  and they, never returned home.

i had a hard time with the aftermath of the september 11th attacks, as many of us did.  i sat in my boyfriend at the times room night after night and cried as he tried to comfort me while trying to figure a way to comfort himself.  the day of the attack we were released from work early, being on the east coast and in finance it was uncertain of what was to come.  was this it?  no one knew.  the emergency service announcements on television were not a test and every station broad casted the events of that day with newscasters holding back tears.  we were all the same that day.

i came home and did the only thing i knew how, i went for a run.   i cried and looked up at the sky usually littered with airplanes, now empty.  i don't know what i thought about or even how far i ran.  but i ran for hope that day.  for hope that it was all just a dream.  this was america.

my good friend Jackie and I will be running in a 10K in studio city, calfornia tomorrow.  and just like the day of the attack i will run in silence, no ipod, no noise.  i'll be running for my friends, my colleagues and my fellow americans who no longer can.

May we remember tomorrow what's important in life.  May we clear the hate from our hearts and go out and inspire someone else to do the same.

God bless those who serve, those lives lost, and each other.  

9-11-2001.  WE WILL NEVER FORGET.

1,2,3 strikes your out?

so i had heard about flats.  i had even seen some on the side of the road.  the defeated look on the bikers face of annoyance mixed with just enough persistence to finish the day's scheduled ride.  or race.

we set out early at 7 am.  it was going to be a hot one.  sunny and close to 100.  unlike my east coast friends battling irene, makes me wonder how i'd train in philadelphia for these things?

 the first one was on the way up, the second was in between and the third was downhill.  i was frustrated by the third one and my east coast lady like personality was alive and in living color.  i really was more mad because flying down that hill is my favorite part of the entire ride and halfway down the third flat on a 45 mile ride reared its ugly head.  lucky for me i have a very patient riding partner who not only holds me accountable for these rides but changes my flats, gives me dating advice, provides me with post ride refreshments when i run out of water and listens to me talk pretty much the entire ride!  for those that know me yes,  he is being nominated for saint hood. either way, it was a good lesson in always riding with a group or with a partner.  just another rule i usually don't follow.

today, sans weekend of a long hill run and 45 mile La Tuna Canyon ride, even with flats i took it easy at the gym.    so i did sprint work via treadmill.  i got up to 11.0 for the first time ever and when i hopped off a guy asked me if i ran track and field, when i replied no, he said you should.   flattered, i was indeed.  more because he thought i was young enough to run track and field still!   and no i did not get his number, he was an old man (hence the track and field reference)  but i'll take it regardless.

the space in between

alright so i realize its been a while.  posts used to be weekly maybe biweekly but never over a month in between.  for those following, all two of you,  i apologize for the delay.  my excuse?  life.

on august 6, my family welcomed a new baby girl, Margaret Kathleen Gomez - "Maggie" into the world. my sister, brave and strong battled a very unexpected and very scary week post little maggie.  never a dull moment in our family and baby and mommy are now at home recovering. 

my nephew, Dangiso, continues to inspire, entertain and amaze us with his athletic abilities.  we are already interviewing potential college teams for ping pong, tennis, soccer, swimming, and baseball and its only a matter of time before he beats me out of being the only ironman in the family. 


i'm trying my best in between to keep up with training and hitting the gym.  my bike seems to be taking the biggest hit this time around, interestingly enough.  for imsg i thought of every excuse to skip the swim and  for cozumel its the bike.  cross training is covered thanks to p90x yoga and my friend heather who introduced to the world of tabata.  just the word itself sounds painful and i can assure you it is. 

the next few months are sure to fly by as quick as the last and before i know it, i'll be sitting seaside with the other gnomies in Cozumel, Mexico with ironman numero dos under my belt.  (God willing) 

i'm looking forward to the month of november as its a full one.   NYC marathon (11/6) , Big Sur half (11/20) and Ironman Cozumel (11/28) .......like i said before.....never a dull moment. 

luck

what is luck?  is luck finding the four leaf clover. the double rainbow or the penny right side up?   luck for me this year was defined quite differently.  it came in the choices i made the consequences i suffered and the obstacles i overcame.  luck to me was simply a word used to describe my choices.

tomorrow i turn 34.

34.

i don't remember life at 3 or life at 4.  i don't recall what decisions i made or paths i took.  i spent most of 33 trying to figure it out.  my faith was restored.  my life was given a purpose.  i spent most of 33 alone trailblazing the in's and out's of triathlon.  i taught myself how to ride with clipless pedals (in my living room of all places),  i braved the triathlon stores looking for the "outfit" that might cover up that muffin top i'd spent years at the bar working on,  i figured out how to shift gears, how to change a tire, how to swim without stopping every 25 meters.  i learned lessons about defeat (thank you havasu) and i learned lessons on victory (thank you st. george)  i re established relationships i thought were lost and sadly i lost  some.  i met people that changed the way i looked at life and changed my life forever and when i thought i'd lost all the support, suddenly it was there again.  within myself.

i now take on 34  with more guts and will demand more glory.  i'm surprised everyday at what i'm capable of.  capable of because of choices i'm making.  i may falter.  i may fall.  but what's important is that i get back up.  i get back up to face the day that God has so willingly granted me.  so 33 you are now a thing of the past.  and 34?  well 34 you my friend have yet to be discovered.

a creature of habit

hitting the pool or gym in general at 5 am never seemed to be a difficult task for me.  it was like having a cup of coffee in the morning.  habit.

after several weeks (more days than i had planned) this morning i was actually able to remove my otherwise exhausted body from the bed and commence training.  the red AND white wine respectively have been put back on the shelf in a once again attempt to keep myself focused and......ready for this one?

attempt to qualify for kona. attempt being the key word here, because the chances of this actually happening are about as much as me finishing my novel before my 35th birthday. 

go big or go home.

they should put this on the warning label

there was a reason i signed up for the nyc marathon prior to completing IMSG.  it was because i had heard in discussions and whispers along the training path that ironman post partum is real and it sucks.  i had also heard that it would help to have something future dated, something to look forward to after you cross your ironman finish.  signing up for NYC was my first attempt at trying to prevent the inevitable, and signing up for cozumel was the final grasp for air.  neither worked.  it seems i've been hit.  with ironman post partum. 

at first it didn't seem so bad i had a week off, finished a 10k pretty strong the following weekend and wrapped it up with a PK monday night spin class.  but then it seemed i fell into a was that enough?  that was it?  i wanted the moments back, i wanted to cross the finish line again, yes, i even wanted the wall back.  i was supposed to feel different than i felt. wasn't i?  more accomplished?  i was supposed to feel like this big weight had been lifted.  i was supposed to feel different than i did.  i was waiting. 

however, while waiting i came to realize that perhaps i am a little to hard on myself. (go ahead laugh, yes its possible i'm just now coming to this conclusion)  perhaps i should stop and remember how hard i worked to get there, what i gave up, and where i was a year ago, 6 months ago, and even 3 weeks ago.  so although i don't look any different (except for the 163 tan lines down my arms)  or feel any different (except my clothes seemed to stop shrinking)  i need to come the conclusion that maybe I AM different.  in the many miles i dropped off some jealousy, a lot of anger, and even some guilt along the way.   so i'll continue this next journey much like i did the last with faith, strength and love, hope for the best and keep on keepin on. 

Race Report - Ironman St. George 2011

i imagine this is what a wedding feels like.  you plan. you spend. you spend some more.  you try your best to get to that "race weight", the day finally arrives. then you blink and its over.  okay so maybe a very long blink.

before i get into this race report.  i want to thank those who helped me get there.  i remember my friend marci telling me you must have the support, make sure you have the support before you go into it.  i had the support and then some.  shit i had enough support for the entire state of utah.   first my family. although they couldnt' be there in person;  my oldest sister was at home celebrating her very first (and long awaited) mother's day.  my middle sister is in her last trimester and busy celebrating her first mothers day with her three stepchildren.  my dad.  well he is my dad. and just like him to not be there but i knew he was tracking me every step of the way.  and finally my mom.  my mother who up until a few months ago didn't even know what an ironman was let alone know that it would require her to stand for 15+ hours in 95 degree heat, wake up at 4am, not eat all day (except for a banana) just so she wouldn't miss a glimpse of her youngest daughter conquering the goal she set one year ago.   my friends whose countless text messages, voice mails, and letters of support pushed me from quarter mile to quarter mile the entire 140.6.   to my angels in heaven who i know carried me through the water and up the hills when my body was starting to fail, i miss you all everyday.   to the volunteers who were in a word. AMAZING.  and finally to Team GT.  a group of athletes who inspire me to be a better person AND athlete each and everyday.  thank you. thank you. thank you.  now the race report......


Two days pre race - after an uneventful 6 hour ride to st george mom and i arrived at the dixie center to pick up packets, get body marked, and prepare for the weekend.   We met up with Team GT at the athlete dinner, ate, discussed race plans and fed off of each others nervous energy.  we listened to the speakers and the rules of the race on saturday.  i'm glad i was there. the announcer told us if the weather turns, take cover.  phew.  i would have had no idea!  no worries on that front because it was scheduled to be 95.  i started to have flashbacks of my first long road race, a record 92 degrees in philadelphia many years ago.

Day before race day
I was glad to have another day to compose myself and just get it together.  it might say detail oriented and organized on my resume but i can admit, i am neither.  i once left my keys in philadelphia after a visit home and had to rent a car for several days after until my mom fed exed them to me.  only to realize i'd left my glasses there too.  and let's not forget the time i drove a hour and half from manhattan beach, ca to henderson, nv for training camp, only to realize i'd forgotten my bike!!!  We met for an early morning swim at sand hollow and i felt terrific.  After the swim, Team GT's resident mom, Sue, had what can only be described as a feast fit for an gnome.   Mdot pancakes and all!  We drove to transitions, i got in a practice ride.  dropped off my stuff and took my VERY patience mom to grab some dinner before heading to the kids' fun run and then straight to bed.

 RACE DAY
i got a great night's sleep and was up before the alarm at 3:30.  i showered, got my cup of coffee and gathered my special needs bags for the day.  hopped on the shuttle in the pitch black, turned up my ipod and before i knew it we were at T1.  Moka braided the hair, which i've now decided is my lucky charm (FYI wheatie you will need to be at every tri with me from now on.  just thought i'd loop you in on that one)
we started the swim with a pre race lady ga ga dance so i was more relaxed than ever before i got into the water.  we made our way to the left side back and then there it was..BOOM.  i felt strong from the start. and the sea of green caps (men) made me feel a little hard core.  i followed next to as many people as i could and the kicks and punches weren't nearly as bad as i'd anticipated.  each buoy seemed to just disappear and in 1:25 i was out of the water and in the transition tent.  this is it, i  thought to myself the worst part is over, now just ride and run.   i was at the tail end of the first loop when i saw moka in what we lovingly call "hawaii"  i knew something was wrong since the bike is my worst and moka is a machine.  she said she wasn't feeling well and i told her we were going to get this done.  we helped each other through the next few miles and almost got called for drafting. really??  i had to laugh a little since i wouldn't know drafting if it slapped me in the face.  then what i'd been waiting for..... THE RUN!

i remember coming out of transition, it was 4:30 i started running and wondered how i was going to do this.  an entire marathon?  and then just like that my legs started moving and there i went. my goal went from finishing before midnight to finishing before 9:30.  funny how that happens.  the course is two loops so while running you encounter people who are on their way to the finish.  i found two new friends who were on their last lap in.  they invited me to run with them and i did walk a cone, run a cone.  the course was hilly and even the pros were walking the hills at that point.  i asked them if they would mind running another loop with me as my pace car but they declined, wished me luck, and sent me on my way.  the second 13 felt like a 5k.  and after seeing my name in lights at the hill turnaround for the second thime. "#163 - C Michels - way to go ironwoman" (thanks wes and lizz)  i was off like it was the first mile of a training run.   on the way down i saw marlene and yelled "we got this".  this was the point where i wished time would just stop.  i picked up my pace and heard several comments from behind "of at that pace you will be there in no time"  i responded with "i'm excited!"  it was around the corner and down the chute.  i sprinted the last several yards and heard those words i'd only dreamed about....

"Curry Michels from Hermosa Beach, California.  YOU ARE AN IRONMAN"

wes ran over and hugged me and as tears streamed down my face i thanked him for getting me there, for changing my life and for just being so freakin GT awesome.

for those worried that the blog is over (i'm hoping there is at least one of you out there)  never fear... first thing i did when i came home was register for Ironman Cozumel.  because hearing mike reilly yell your name and ironman to follow...... will never get old.

IMSG - race highlights 2011

trust your struggle - less than 12 hours to go

amazing.  simply put does not begin to explain the amount of support i have received from friends and family near and far, from people i haven't spoken to in years, from family members with whom i've just recently reunited, from an old middle school principal, and from the high fives from friends children.

all day my smile grew wider and my confidence a bit higher as i read through the comments, emails, letters (thank you mkc), as i was listening to voice mails and viewing texts.  i thought to myself, wow this is better than a facebook birthday!  thank you. thank you. thank you.  

it is you who will get me up that hill, through that water, and across that finish line. you.  my support system.  you. who would not let me doubt my ability, who will not let me falter, who will push me further than i've  ever pushed myself.  

and here we are at the final day.  no more countdown.  this. is. it.  

so i say goodbye to countless hours of training, waking up at 4:30 am, two a days (just for now anyway) and goodbye to the old me,  say goodbye to what was and look ahead at what is.  i never knew it would be this life changing and i haven't even started yet.  or maybe perhaps i have?

with all the love in the world.  thank you my support team.  you really are my inspiration.  

an open letter to st. george

dear st george-

it seems like just yesterday i was introducing myself to you.  i was wondering about your history, your elevation, your landscape.  i wondered what your rainfall was, your water temperature.  and i wondered if i would like you when we met. or if you would be just a blip in the radar of my "maybe somedays". 

back then, i had a lot on my plate george. may i call you that?  

my plan for life turned around on me and where i was was not actually where i thought i would be.  then as it turns out, a good friend of mine had met your brother the cheese lover in wisconsin the year prior.  she thought you and i should meet.  she said it might help.  i had no idea what she meant but it seemed at that point, i needed all the help i could get. 



truth be told, its not easy to get a hold of you guys, but you, george, you made it easy on us.  i think you are still accepting friends into your circle???  just days before i'll see you again. 


when we first met at training camp i wasn't sure what to expect.  would you be nice? kind? would you prove me to be an embarrassment to myself?  would you just serve me a platter of humble pie, laugh and say maybe next time curry? 

you did not. and i was so surprised. 

through you i met my tri family, my support system, and what has proven to be my life line.  i laughed harder than i had in years and took on your hills, your "walls", and your elevation.  i didn't doubt my abilities as much anymore after we met and as it turned out you and i became instant friends.  i hate that wall and i hate that stretch right after your little pie shop (some of us call it hawaii but you know better).  and oddly enough i don't think i've ever used your name in vain.  it was more forced positive talk than it was hatred.  it was almost as if God was saying "you haven't learned how to do it in the past so i'm showing you how now.... the hard way".  since our meeting, i've slipped up, i've juggled to many things at once, and i've made some mistakes.  but i've managed to still find comfort in knowing i can always rely on what you taught me. 

you are a good friend, george.  thank you for teaching me how to just "sit back and enjoy the ride"  i can't wait to see you on saturday.

your friend for life,

curry

running in place

minor setback yesterday. it was one of those, day is going great. slam. hit a wall kind of days. i didn't really need it 13 days pre st george.  but then again who ever really needs those kind of days.

on my ride, i set out to go 80.  i only went 52.  the rest was the slam part.  the pattern here ive found is this, juggle 100 items in the air at the same time and at precisely the same moment they all inevitably fall. at. the. same. time.  i would equate this fall to how an alcoholic might feel when they are sober and then go on a bender 13 days before their 1 year anniversary.    yea. something like that.

the date is coming whether i like it or not. there will be no groundhog days in between.  the hills did not shrink, the water is still cold, and there are about a million people counting on me to finish this thing. 

so today i'm trying out that whole positive thinking process.  like when you start to think you can't accomplish something you are supposed to tell yourself you can. so far so good but its still early.  yesterday wasn't my best moment, pretty low on the scale actually. 

but tonight is PK's spin class and he's very good at snapping me back to reality.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference"

missing what isn't gone yet...

when i decided to start this blog a few weeks short of a year ago, it seemed that ironman st george was so far in the future that not having a training session to log wasn't a thought in my mind. the time has now come where in less than one month i will either have crossed that finish line by midnight or i will not.  i will no longer have an ironman on my calendar or one to blog about. 

it all seemed so distant until this weekend.  suddenly it felt close. the counter reads 25 days and 18 hours.  25 days?!!!  shit. 



TEAM GT....MY TRI FAMILY



i traveled to henderson, nevada this weekend for two days of a four day GPP endurance camp. due to work  i could only go half time, working thing? WAY overrated.  i drove up friday night after getting a late start, (don't even ask why)  i arrived at the hotel at midnight and was looking forward to the 7 am wake up call.  

the swim saturday morning... it was cold, it was choppy, and the self doubt was alive and in my head.  then it happened, i got in the water and felt amazing.  i'm not fast, never claimed to be.  but i wasn't fast when i ran my first 10k either.  so i'll wait.  very patiently.  i didn't freak out and don't laugh (okay go ahead) somehow justin biebers "never say never" found a way into my head.  and the bieber fever got me all the way to the number 6 buoy and back. 

then it was  back to the hotel, rest up, and  hit the road for an afternoon BRICK (this is a ride followed by a run, the idea is to get your legs prepared for the mean things you plan to do to them later in the actual race) we did  30 miles on the bike then 22 minutes out and 20 minutes back on the run.  all in awesome company.  then it was back on the bike for the ride home.  numb toes were alive and kicking but not wearing socks seems to help.  the swim on sunday was a quick 30 minutes followed by a long ride of about 50 miles.  it was goodbye to all the amazing old and new members of the tri family and on the road back to la la land.  it was all so quick.  to quick. 

as for the blog updates, i might decide to just keep going with it.  after all nothing is truly over, with every journey there is another adventure, with every step there is another finish line. and well new york is only 6 months away!

happy training. 

a little bit of inspiration

i've always been the one being inspired.  finding inspiration in other people to push me to the limit. (or in some cases get me out the door)

 i am the youngest of three and my two older sisters amazed me from the start. my oldest sister is the most talented of artists and taught me at a young age that talent starts one on the right course, but to excel you need to follow your heart and persevere.  she now runs a very successful invitation business from home while juggling being a new mother to my nephew, who she describes as "a bulldozer wrapped in a wrecking ball".

my middle sister was my sports idol growing up (still is actually) and i longed to be half the athlete she became.  whatever she ran I only dreamt of doing half of.  she now juggles three children and is pregnant with a fourth.  they both continue to inspire and amaze me daily.

more recently, i was blessed to come in contact with a group of individuals who are not only remarkable athletes but nice people too.  this is hard to come by these days.  not one but an entire group of non judging, supportive, genuine friends.  i feel more blessed everyday.

i have a few close friends who entered to run the broad street run this year in philadelphia.  for those keeping track the broad street run was my first official distance run at 10 miles, many years ago.  throughout their training i've received countless text messages with questions ranging from "what shorts should i wear" to "how do i pass dunkin donuts without stopping for a donut on my way to the gym?"  i smile when i receive these messages for several reasons, but most notably because i give them advice that i know to have worked for me but then typically follow it up with "i'm the last person you should be asking for advice" to which i usually receive a "why?  you are training for an ironman! YOU inspire me"  i never thought of myself as an inspiration.  it was always the other way around.

and tonight as i was heading back from a workout i stopped my older heavy set neighbor to inquire about a fuse box issue (long story for another blog entirely)  and he replied with a "sure i'm actually just on my way to walk the track.  I see you every morning and every night going out in your workout clothes.  you inspired me to get going tonight"

my point is this.  we all need a little push.  it doesn't matter if its from your childhood heros (my sisters) or the neighbor across the way.    you never know when you might be someone elses inspiration.

the view just keeps getting better

some have what they call a bucket list in life.  i have a "what i always wanted to do and never thought i would list". on this list is included a marathon. complete.  an ironman. getting there. and living in the city.  done.

(clearly not all inclusive) but you get my point. 

over the past year i've moved four different times and all within a mile and a half of each other (the last one was literally 1 block)  i moved out here 8 years ago and never actually bought anything not from ikea or target for furniture because "it was always just a temporary gig".  i sold stuff as i went and found creative ways to open the essentials like cans and wine bottles.

today all that changed, as i walked two blocks from my new office to my new apartment in the sky to sign my lease.  i've already selected my bed frame (that i won't need an allen wrench to put together) and signing up now for new gym memberships for my continued training.  (move in date is 2 weeks pre IMSG)

so my sneakers might not be hitting the sand anymore and my rides might have just gotten a little more adventurous.  but its part of my "never thought i'd do's" and i'm okay with that.

an expensive brick in boulder city, nv

Before I begin my race report for "Showdown at Sunset 2011" I wanted to share a short story of my ever growing belief in God's undaunting power and plan for us all.  A few days ago i received an email from one of my closest friends, Kelly.  Kelly and I often use email communication to start prayer chains for those sick or in need.  (or sometimes I think kelly just likes to see me cry at my desk once a month.)  Regardless, this email was no exception.  It was the story of the Hoyts.  its a story i am familiar with and have followed since their original kona debut many years ago.  if you never had the pleasure (or honor), http://www.teamhoyt.com/.

i mention their journey because i found myself reflecting on it several times during yesterdays battle with headwinds and inclines.  my focus was to overcome last weeks race and hit the water hard while staying calm.  God had another plan entirely.  Post 5 hour drive from Los Angeles to Lake Mead, Nevada left me at packet pickup wetsuit in hand only to be informed that the swim portion had been cancelled due to the cold weather and wind.  I made an attempt at getting bumped up to the long course, to no avail.

My newest and most amazing new utah friends have taught me to expect the unexpected, learn to adapt. so that's what i did.  i took the extra time to hit up a quick drive over to the hoover dam.  bucket list. check. check. and check.

with the later start we shuttled down to T1 around 3 pm for a 3:30 start.  i chatted more than usual (yes, i know shocking)  pre race and ended up meeting a guy that had done st george the year prior.  he gave me some tips, i wished him luck and we were off.  the bike was hilly.  and it was windy.  and dare i say i loved it?  a beautiful course.  the last 8 miles or so was a steady uphill climb on a paved bike path.  (which aided in my ever growing fear of a flat tire)  i passed a few people (and got passed a few times).  i focused more on shifting and climbing technique for st george than anything else.  i got off the bike for a quick transition and was off to the run.  my legs felt great but i have  this weird numb toe thing that started again which made it that much more painful on the climbs. (i'll have to start researching remedies for this one)

it was a great pre race for st george.  at the end i felt like i could have kept going.  each time i felt hurt or that i wanted the finish line to be closer than it was, i thought of dick hoyt.  after that.....the rest was easy.

sometimes you're the window and sometimes you're the bug.

i thought long and hard about if and how i should begin this blog entry.  actually, if i should write it at all.

i ran through in my head all the things i could say, should say and who would be reading them.  the third was an embarrassment issue that i wasn't sure i wanted to embark on.  a failure of some sort. i thought about the pit that is still sitting in the bottom of my stomach, the lack of energy i felt going in, and the lack of any sleep the night prior.  the blame is on me.  my own DNF.  

 I drove to havasu with the full intent of completing the course with some of the highest caliber of people i've ever swam, biked or ran with.  literally. all of whom i'm proud to call my support system and friends.   it was a smaller race and that scared me even more. the expectations that i set for myself are always high and the defeat is often my own personal battle.  when i fail.  i fail myself.

i made a decision to complete the olympic distance.  i've done this distance before and less prepared by about 100%. i drove 5 hours there alone and ran the steps of what should happen in my head over and over again.  i swam the day prior in the same lake and felt fine.  then the moment came,  3...2...1 and almost immediately i felt that all 20 people were simultaneously passing me. demolishing me in the water.  i got it in my head that the water was freezing and in actuality it was.  i was emotionally drained.    i'm ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in myself for what occurred in those next 60 seconds.  the feeling of those anxiety attacks that used to strike more often than i'd like to admit.  came back.  and i couldn't settle myself down.  i felt myself starting to over think the distance.  a distance i've done a thousand times in the pool.  i felt my breathing go, my legs went numb, the tears came and all the sudden i forgot how to move. all at exactly the same time.  this was no longer a race with thousands where i could blend in.   later as i sat on the grass hiding from embarrassment, i realized i was actually mid pack at that point.   the attack got worse and i was pulled in, humiliated, defeated and questioning my own ability.  once i got out of the water i sat and wallowed.   i ran through my head all the things you aren't supposed to and i was hard on myself for quitting.  because that is what i did, i quit.  DNF is a nice word they call it when you get a flat on your bike and are out of co2.  i was having a panic attack and couldn't breathe.  this was all me.

so as i thought about if i should share this piece on my otherwise "blog de la positivity" it hit me that yes i should.  i should because this is what happened, this is the truth.  it was real.

it was real when i placed in my top 10 AG in the same race two years in a row.  the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.  as soon as transition opened i ran to my bike, dodging those that might recognize me. i had a long drive to reflect, to remember that feeling that i never want to have again, i beat myself up, i told myself to quit entirely, i told myself that if i couldn't finish this, what could i finish?  then i once again asked God for strength.  i asked him if he could please cut me a break sometime soon.  and then just like that (and i swear they weren't there on the way up) through my tears i saw hundreds of bright yellow flowers lining the road for miles.  and it seemed as if each time a negative thought came into my head there they were again.  

so i changed my tune. i came home, registered for the showdown at sundown olympic this saturday and  went to bed.  and then i woke up, headed straight to the pool swam, swam, and swam.  i cursed at the water and counted lap after lap after lap after lap.  i remembered my form, i closed my eyes for many laps envisioning the open water and that feeling of utter defeat. i feeling i vowed to never have again.  i got out when i felt that i'd won the battle, for today. (it took a while)

so i know there are some in particular that will read this entry and think "i told her so" and to you, on may 7th,  i will say ...... "i told you so"

"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." - Leroy Paige

the wall

camp finished up strong.  i surprised myself for most of the four days we were there.  i do so much better when the pressure is on, always have, in every facet of my life. camp was no exception.   i went into the experience with the expectation of leaving with nothing more than a few sore muscles and a mental view of the course.  what i took away was much more than that.

nervous energy helped me through  6 am swims, 50 mile bike rides, and trail runs. (and that was just day 1) i discovered that pacing myself is not, in fact, going to be my arch enemy.  my biggest or shall i say steepest hurdle will be that of the wall, before the wall and the wall itself.  my redundancy is deliberate. the wall is a name given lovingly by the st george locals to a climb that is done on the bike.  it has been said that ironman st george is the most difficult ironman distance course in the world.  so my newest fear is not completing destroying my legs in the bike portion and making a liar of myself with running as  "my strength".  I feel mentally prepared and really that is 80% of it (in my humble opinion).  the scenery is breathtaking and although this has been an emotional journey all together.  while riding solo on parts of the course i had time to reflect.

thank you my new wonderful amazing friends.  thank you everyone at camp for teaching me that athleticism isn't just about "being prepared" its about overcoming your own demons, your own fears, beating whatever brought you down, its about spite (yes just a little), its about discovering your self worth, its about finishing what you started.

and a cow goes moo

i survived. i survived.  and that is the important part.  i learned new mind tricks and added new mantras.  i've added a few songs to my mental playlist and cleared my mind of clutter more than once today.  i woke up at 6 and hit the water.  i tried the beginner lane but was quickly moved to the intermediate lane.  the hour and a half flew by, i know this is like saying "i love vegetables"  but its the actual truth.

i came home downed a cliff bar, took the second shower of the day and headed over to the house for a 15 minute endurance workout.  this was no joke.  if you don't know what a burpie is, trust me you never want to find out.  ever.

now the bike.  one loop on the actual st george ironman course.  50 miles.  the first cow i saw was hidden behind rock formations in the red canyon at mile 20.  i literally yelled "holy shit"  i mean three black cows just hanging out on the road, can't say i'll ever see that in riding around manhattan beach.  i felt amazing and even told myself i was a few times.  i hit the hill, the mountain, what the locals call the wall, head on.  i even passed three people on it!  in that moment in time, i was amazing.

 its  spiritual being out there by yourself. cruising down mountains at speeds that make you feel invincible.  (until the tractor trailer speeds by you doing 70 jolting you back to reality)  and climbing ones that put you at the top of the world.

the run was a trail run and i chatted with a new friend the whole way.  40 minutes.

the best part of the day.... i get to do it all again tomorrow.