space book and podiums

one week ago tomorrow marks the beginning of lent and my attempt at no facebook for 40 days.

as a child, i remember going to the school chapel and having ashes placed on my forehead each ash wednesday. back then, the only thing it "signified" was something i had to do without, something i had to give up.   on occasion i gave up sweets and then later in life gave a run at no cursing until i realized that working on a trading floor would make that impossible, probably even for Jesus himself.

every year i would try and every year i would make it on average 3-4 days and give up.  eventually i got to the point where lent would come and go and so i gave up, giving up.

people ask me all the time "have you always been an athlete?"   this question is difficult for me to answer because up until earlier this year, even after two ironman finishes and a sub 4 hour NYC marathon in less than 6 months, i still had a hard time calling myself an athlete.   the answer to this question is yes and no.  yes, my parents had me on the soccer field while all my girlfriends were off trying to meet their thin mint quotas.  in fact, i have several soccer photos with me being the one and only girl on the team. then, i used sports as leverage to leave catholic school for the local public school (there were sports at the public school and there were also boys!)  and then again in high school i was chasing  my sister around the lacrosse field and also chasing the social scene with the same drive and determination.  i was the only person in high school that could talk her way out of a detention i received as a direct result of TALKING in class.

And no, because i always felt like there were people better than me, faster than me and that meant that i wasn't an athlete.  i was wrong.  it took me 34 years to figure it out but last weekend i made the podium for the first time ever in a race. first place, a small race but i'll take it.  turns out there are people i'm faster than, quite a few actually.  and today marks 6 days with no facebook.

success, its a beautiful thing.

trust your struggle

sometimes life seems to move at warp speed.  days turn into weeks, months into years. and for a long time it seemed that nothing was changing at all for me.  it was if the world was moving and i was standing still.

stuck.

one year ago i signed up for a triathlon training camp in st george utah.  my reason being it would allow me to preview the ironman course and hold me accountable to do so. i went into the experience with the expectation of getting in a very expensive four day workout.

what i came away with, was much, much more.  i started to move that weekend literally and emotionally.  i let my guard down, felt a few (not all) weights lift and met my utah "family".  and less than a year later i found myself exiting the 15 North Freeway on my way to St. George, once again to race.

when i started "racing" in 2000 it was for a 10 miler down broad street in philadelphia.  i had hopes of just finishing and now this, a 10 miler,  is my training run.  the day before my first ironman i received numerous texts, emails and phone calls from people that humbled me in a way that is unimaginable. one of these emails came from my oldest sister who would send me pictures at the most pivotal points in my life,  the first being when i had my heart broken and the second when i went to repair it.  i recall the day vividly it was the day before ironman and i had drug my mom around to every last training event there was, she was a trooper.   my sister sent me an email with a picture that said "trust your struggle".  it was in that moment that i broke into tears and was overcome for the first time with ultimate emotion.  its true that when you feel you have nothing else to lose, as i felt that day, that you can achieve whatever lies before you. because the alternative is really nothing worse than what you have already experienced.  

if i failed it wouldn't matter because whatever was next was better than where i had been.  two years later i'm ready to admit that, ready to face the fear and ready to move on.

i've since been killing PR's like it was my second job.  i've come to the conclusion that no matter what lies ahead is only because one year ago i decided to "trust my struggle", dig deep and accomplish.

the road is long from here, i know that.  and as robert frost once said:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

st george was just another city on the map.  it was in utah and that was all i knew.  today its my ultimate inspiration.