invisible dreams

a few years ago i made a decision to start the sport of triathlon.  i finished a super sprint in hermosa beach california and you would have thought i conquered mount Everest.  in my mind that day i did.  i swam in the ocean "competitively", i rode a hybrid bike with a funny helmet and the anxiety of being last to the finish line diminished as i made my way into transition to the 5k run along an all to familiar course of the strand. the strand is a cement walkway that runs the length of the beach and the view never gets old.  if there is one item from my beach days that i miss its long morning runs along the strand.

after the super sprint i decided i wanted to try another one. i wasn't "hooked" per se but i needed and wanted a new challenge.  to me it was more like the thrill of chasing the next goal not so much the sport itself.   i completed a Olympic distance next in washington dc in the pouring rain with a new bike, googles and a wetsuit that i owned and a run with support of family and friends.   and then in the true spirit of chasing down the dream i signed up for an ironman distance triathlon.  i knew nothing more than i knew when i signed up for that super sprint but i knew myself and what i was capable of and i was pretty sure it would allow me to lose the last ten pounds i'd been working on for the majority of my lifetime.  it didn't and in fact i think i might have gained some weight just this time more from 4 am workouts and two a days then from a small pizza and ice cream post bender at the bar.  and even if i still looked the same i didn't feel the same.  and that was the important part that i needed to be concerned with.

it got me here. where i needed to be today.  i've stopped trying to plan five years ahead and been okay with "the moment"  this comes and goes and i can't say that tomorrow i'll be back to not wanting the unattainable.  i spend to many nights wondering if i'll ever lose that extra ten pounds,  if i'll ever accomplish the high invisible goal i've set for myself.  i hung up training.  i left my coach.  my bike tires are flat and my googles haven't had a run at the water in probably a month.  but my running shoes still come out on top.  my navy blue nike shorts that i have literally owned for 10 years are still my favorite and i still change outfits 16 times before hitting the gym.  and i've finally been okay with this.

because even if i'm unsure of this dream, i'm still finding a way to live in the moment.