i'll take it

there were two full days of being a complete bitch and feeling sorry for myself.  i'm not sure i'm over the complete bitch part and still feel bad for the parking attendant that had to deal with me exiting the doctors office parking garage.   years ago i might have welcomed the break and some might think, based on the way i talk, that i might have welcomed it this time around.....but i did not. i do not.

a few years ago i injured my ankle in a "just for fun"  soccer league in santa monica.  i got slide tackled by a guy and to date have never been in so much pain (note i have no children)  i was on bed rest for weeks and in a cast on my right leg for 16 weeks.  it was in typical stubborn form i allowed no help and listened selectively when the doctors told me to take it easy.  either way it was after that injury that i vowed to never take my ability to run for granted again, ever.  pulling me away from activity is like pulling a pacifier out of a babies mouth and the results, the same, kicking and screaming resumes and the end result is never good.

when i crashed on my bike i didn't feel it was a big deal, i rode after and chalked up the days following to "stiffness".  i visited the doctor to appease some people and thought maybe i sprained it.  turns out there was a little more.

i had two races on my calendar.  malibu and los angeles.  i had never raced either one and had both on my agenda for very different reasons.  the first was malibu.   it was the first race i would be doing solo. it was also the first race i watched someone else complete as their first triathlon.  i was excited to conquer this one alone because recently i realized it was my own journey.   the second was la also with a bit of a new beginning.  i won't and didn't compete in either and i have to know (this is impossible sometimes)  that this is in God's plan.

i also realize that i have so much to be thankful for and sometimes you need a kick in the rear to understand this.  of course it doesn't make the process any easier but it does make me think that there are different roads to travel, different paths to take.   there are breaks (or dislocations with torn ligaments) one needs in life, to just slow down.

i'm a little worried what the next few weeks will bring, someone put a bunch of chocolate in the trading room and i've already helped myself to a little to much.  someone was also already staring at me as i tried to run with the pup in DTLA. but i'll take a break. because as it turns out i'm not that crazy 20 year old anymore.  i'm now that fearless 35 year old and i'll pay the price even if it means a cast for 3 weeks (which i just negotiated down to 2 weeks, 6 days)

11 years later

this morning when i woke up i forgot.  maybe i tried to forget on purpose.  i went through my morning routine, tuned into cnbc and was reminded by the moment of silence on the somber new york stock exchange floor.

i stood there for a what seemed like much longer than a minute and began to once again tear at the mere thought of the events 11 years ago.  as the day progressed i got a little angry that people weren't more dedicated to the day.

i didn't run today although i now wish i had.  running was the escape i had 11 years ago when we were sent home from work.  i ran far, i ran fast and i ran silent.

the one question i get asked time and time again is what do you think about when you run? sometimes i don't have a good answer for that question because truthfully sometimes i just run to finish.  but not that day.  that day i ran to forget.  just like i tried to do this morning when i saw the calendar marked 9/11.

for the lives lost and the new lives that became of it.

i run.