Oh Captain, My Captain

Public events of mass notary often unearth feelings in others that were dormant for many years. 

Robin Williams was one for me.   It is said that the magnitude of an event is often judged by how much a person can humanly or personally relate to the tragedy.   Mental illness has made the headlines more this past week prompting blog posts, news stories and even horrific postings to relatives twitter accounts, robbins daughter had to take down her profile due to malicious postings with photo shopped pictures of the suicide to comments of  selfishness of her father to commit such an act.   Which brought us all to stand on a soapbox for mental health awareness.  We should be more excepting; we should change the taboo, we as a society need to take off the blinders.  

Mental health is a broad term, one might argue that the same people posting these horrible comments and pictures to a daughters social media account might also suffer from ‘mental illness’ not depression per se, but if these individuals aren’t a little shitty in the head than I don’t really have another excuse.  My point is this; mental illness will most likely never be ‘accepted’ in our society for this very reason.   We don’t get to cherry pick what mental illness we want to support, we don’t get to be angry at loved ones we have lost if that mental illness doesn’t fall into the empathy category.   You see the idea of acceptance is finite.  

I say these things as a human being. i can say these things because I am human and have been slowly educated and advised that depression is wrong, it is crazy and that you should easily be able to snap out of it.   Anyone can write a blog post, mental struggle or not but do you really accept it?    Do you really accept the fact that your daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father tried to take their life because they were ill?  Chances are probably not.   And yes, society will dictate that, society will judge because that is what we are programmed to do.  

One point that can change is the compassion we have for others.   There have been countless studies and algorithms created on happiness and what defines a person to be happy.   Money is very low, if even existent on that list.   Robin Williams had money, lots of it and after watching the countless videos and clips; I would agree he was in fact a genius.  I don’t think sad is a good emotion to tagline him with though, and in my opinion I think that is where the empathy comes from on some (not all) mental illnesses.  As much as we are wired to be angry, we are wired to ‘feel badly’ for individuals that at face value seem to be ‘sad’.   Depression is sad, to others.    But more importantly and mostly misunderstood is depression is helplessness and inability to decipher between any emotion outside of it.  Including sadness. 

Robin Williams was probably very happy up on stage, a genius he was indeed.  He was also probably very lonely.   One of my favorite movie lines is that of into the wild when at the end of this journey he discovers that happiness is best when shared with others, for depression, its hard almost impossible to make that delineation and when one can’t the unspeakable occurs.  

It is an illness, a very serious illness, and for many its something unfortunately many of us can relate to, but will it be accepted?  Probably not.    All I can ask as a human in the world of millions that we not judge so harshly onto others.  

RIP my captain.  

SLC half race report

i had just finished oceanside 70.3 with a tough run so i didn't totally go into this one unprepared
, which is not typical.   i wasn't sure how i would do but i also didn't anticipate old age to kick in either. it did.   so for all my 20 something friends who don't train and have the occasional glass... ahem bottle of wine it will kick in eventually, about when you are 36 to be exact.

i was slightly more grumpy at the race start, some call it my "game face"  but truth be told i wanted to kick major ass and thought maybe i could, until i hit the starting line.   i cleared the 8:00 minute mile pace line up, scared to go up any further and cameron was by my side.   we ran together for what i thought was half the race which he later clued me in on was actually the first few miles.   i couldn't find anyone in front of me to get my motivation with and so i just ran.  and it hurt.  i finally found a group of three that i killed up the hills (i might be the only lunatic that races better uphill)  i couldn't tell if they were half or full contenders but i knew they were MY contenders.   i gathered my thoughts at mile 7, the knee started hurting (enter old age) and the race began.

a half marathon to most is a huge accomplishment, as it should be.  and at one point it was for me too.  but this time it was about kicking ass and taking names.  i did neither.  but i still had fun.  somewhere along the ride i learned to have fun and so the only comment i had at the finish line was "i'm so proud of my amazing boyfriend for kicking ass and taking names for me on his first half"  and "that course was beautiful"  so it wasn't a PR but i'm racing again in happiness and no longer in anger and that in and of itself is an accomplishment worth writing about.

Oceanside 70.3 Race Report

i traveled back to the homeland once again to complete a triathlon as a non resident.  not sure why i have to always go the difficult route and race once i move to an new state entirely.   i flew down on thursday morning and was like a small child at Christmas in the california sun.  that sun is different then utah sun, it just makes you happy.  until of course you hop on the 405 and the mid day traffic quickly reminds you why God made that place sunny all the time.   i was happy to have a day to visit old friends, walk along the strand and do some drive bys of the 8 places i called home while in the south bay.

i spent the afternoon with my best friend at our favorite hang out and just relaxed catching up and trying to get her to move to utah,  i failed at all my attempts.   i awoke the next morning planning on an ocean swim in corona del mar but of course got lost and ended up somewhere in newport beach.   i'll probably get lost on the way to my own funeral!

we checked into the fancy hotel off the 5 next to the Gentlemans club and met up with moka and dave for a quick trip down to athlete check in.   i met up with another old friend for dinner and then it was back to motel de la awesome for some bike maintainance and hallway aero riding.    im lucky to have VERY patient friends with VERY patient better halves who can conduct bike fits with plastic ice trays.  all about the accuracy.

i slept like a baby, i am an exception here since everyone else seems to have a hard time sleeping the night before i race i'm out like a light at 10:00 pm and up like a bolt at 4:30 am.  i gathered my stuff and had to leave my racing buddy behind due to a stomach bug.  i headed down to t1 and was relived to see Salt Lake Tri Club signs ahead attached to none other than the duckworth clan.   we ran into several more people i listened to some bieber fever to get me going and headed over to the line up for the bathroom.  it was then that my first bout of ADD kicked in and 6 week old puppies distracted me from having to later push my way up to my swim start.  

reason number one you should study a course start, when the start happened i thought it was the actual start to the race, it was in fact, not so i wasted whatever energy i had pushing my way to what was only the in water start.   genius.   i stopped and doggie paddled until the actual gun went off and everything i'd learned in the pool dissipated and it was survival of the fittest.   my swim starts typically all start out the same within the first five minutes i've convince myself everyone has passed me and i'm the last person in the pact. of course i'm never actually able to confirm that since i start the mantras in my head and just try to not drown.  no matter how many times i do these things the swim is never a calm process for me.  i spend most of the time praying to God and reciting song lyrics over and over again in my head.  i alternated between "everythings gonna be alright" and "never say never"  i blame the pre race biebs listening for that one.  i think i did more praying to God this time around since i seemed to be getting run over by the lead males in the next wave.  i am not a fish nor will i ever be.  i confirmed that this race.


so it was out of the water and into transition.  smiling. yes, smiling.  and onto the bike.  i felt awesome the entire time.  thank you computrainer and 4:30 wake up calls (even the classes i missed) i loved the climbing and there was a lot of it.  my new shoes and cleats felt great and my shoulders burned from the fancy ice tray bike fit the night before but it was do or die.  i tried my best to stay in Z2 but didn't have nearly enough water or food to keep me going.  lesson learned.  by mile 45 i was exhausted and he guy in front of me was way to close for me to not take some advantage.   just as the thought crossed my mind i heard "4 bike lengths" shouted at me. the motorcycle draft police were not amused.  i dropped back and finished into t2.

the run.  my favorite and where i typically make up the most time.  but as with every race, expect the unexpected.  by mile 7 i was dead.   my own fault as i hadn't put in the miles and i knew it. i was skeptical on my shoes before i started and they won when the blisters started , each step seemed like pure hell.  utah had a huge representation and seeing familiar faces along the course alternating between "BAM" and "go curry"  made me feel proud and disciplined enough to keep going.   the last mile hurt and my feet felt like they weren't even there anymore.  i just wanted to cross that finish line and be done.   and i did.   6:09 final time.  9 minutes over what i'd hoped but a full hour less than the only other half i'd done 3 years prior.   i finished the race and saw dr. tom who directed me to the utah crew.   he pegged it perfectly when he said i looked a hot mess because at that moment in time i felt like one.   a very proud hot mess.

so the story continues and the training resumes because every time i swear to the holy heavens i'm not doing another one.  one seemingly appears on the calendar.  boulder 140.6  i'll see you august!

what we finally realize

in life there are many events that try to keep us grounded.  there are events that cause us to judge others no matter how hard we try not to, and forget.  there are events that make us wish we were somewhere else, or with someone else and there are events that make us very glad to be alone.

at 36 and single i find myself having to dodge the unmarried without kids question more often than i would like,  i find myself at events trying to come up with a valid excuse for it all.

society dictates a lot to me.  i'm influenced easily but i'd still like to remain that i'm not.  i want the big house but the truth is i could have afforded it years ago, subconsciously i just never bought it.   maybe life really does have a different plan for all of us, maybe not everyone is supposed to get married and have kids and live with someone.  maybe being social, living far away from family and being different has its benefits  and maybe its time i start acknowledging those events.

i've traveled to Asia to Europe and i can model an international bond like no other.  i can't get myself from point a to b without gps or pronounce a pharmaceutical drug without a hooked on phonics for pharmacists.  i don't have children but ive raised my pitbull to be more of a loving lap dog than the cruel statistic life has to provide.  i've been a bridesmaid more times than i can count and i've been ecstatic for every wedding i've been honored to be a part of.  i have friends all over the world and i've been happy for new life events without any envy.   i have an amazing and absolute family that keeps me grounded and dreaming all in the same breath.  i moved to California with no dreams but simply that i'd find myself. it took ten years and moving to utah that i became happy again.

so you see the paths in life that are supposed to be constructed for us, the ones that society dictates aren't always the ones we should be taking.   it doesnt' make us any better or a martyr or weird. it makes us, us.  and if my next adventure includes me scaling some mountain alone or moving or to another country because it seems fun, then i'm going to do it.  without judgement of myself.  because at the end of the day i'm the only one left to answer the questions society asks.