i thought long and hard about if and how i should begin this blog entry. actually, if i should write it at all.
i ran through in my head all the things i could say, should say and who would be reading them. the third was an embarrassment issue that i wasn't sure i wanted to embark on. a failure of some sort. i thought about the pit that is still sitting in the bottom of my stomach, the lack of energy i felt going in, and the lack of any sleep the night prior. the blame is on me. my own DNF.
I drove to havasu with the full intent of completing the course with some of the highest caliber of people i've ever swam, biked or ran with. literally. all of whom i'm proud to call my support system and friends. it was a smaller race and that scared me even more. the expectations that i set for myself are always high and the defeat is often my own personal battle. when i fail. i fail myself.
i made a decision to complete the olympic distance. i've done this distance before and less prepared by about 100%. i drove 5 hours there alone and ran the steps of what should happen in my head over and over again. i swam the day prior in the same lake and felt fine. then the moment came, 3...2...1 and almost immediately i felt that all 20 people were simultaneously passing me. demolishing me in the water. i got it in my head that the water was freezing and in actuality it was. i was emotionally drained. i'm ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in myself for what occurred in those next 60 seconds. the feeling of those anxiety attacks that used to strike more often than i'd like to admit. came back. and i couldn't settle myself down. i felt myself starting to over think the distance. a distance i've done a thousand times in the pool. i felt my breathing go, my legs went numb, the tears came and all the sudden i forgot how to move. all at exactly the same time. this was no longer a race with thousands where i could blend in. later as i sat on the grass hiding from embarrassment, i realized i was actually mid pack at that point. the attack got worse and i was pulled in, humiliated, defeated and questioning my own ability. once i got out of the water i sat and wallowed. i ran through my head all the things you aren't supposed to and i was hard on myself for quitting. because that is what i did, i quit. DNF is a nice word they call it when you get a flat on your bike and are out of co2. i was having a panic attack and couldn't breathe. this was all me.
so as i thought about if i should share this piece on my otherwise "blog de la positivity" it hit me that yes i should. i should because this is what happened, this is the truth. it was real.
it was real when i placed in my top 10 AG in the same race two years in a row. the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. as soon as transition opened i ran to my bike, dodging those that might recognize me. i had a long drive to reflect, to remember that feeling that i never want to have again, i beat myself up, i told myself to quit entirely, i told myself that if i couldn't finish this, what could i finish? then i once again asked God for strength. i asked him if he could please cut me a break sometime soon. and then just like that (and i swear they weren't there on the way up) through my tears i saw hundreds of bright yellow flowers lining the road for miles. and it seemed as if each time a negative thought came into my head there they were again.
so i changed my tune. i came home, registered for the showdown at sundown olympic this saturday and went to bed. and then i woke up, headed straight to the pool swam, swam, and swam. i cursed at the water and counted lap after lap after lap after lap. i remembered my form, i closed my eyes for many laps envisioning the open water and that feeling of utter defeat. i feeling i vowed to never have again. i got out when i felt that i'd won the battle, for today. (it took a while)
so i know there are some in particular that will read this entry and think "i told her so" and to you, on may 7th, i will say ...... "i told you so"
i ran through in my head all the things i could say, should say and who would be reading them. the third was an embarrassment issue that i wasn't sure i wanted to embark on. a failure of some sort. i thought about the pit that is still sitting in the bottom of my stomach, the lack of energy i felt going in, and the lack of any sleep the night prior. the blame is on me. my own DNF.
I drove to havasu with the full intent of completing the course with some of the highest caliber of people i've ever swam, biked or ran with. literally. all of whom i'm proud to call my support system and friends. it was a smaller race and that scared me even more. the expectations that i set for myself are always high and the defeat is often my own personal battle. when i fail. i fail myself.
i made a decision to complete the olympic distance. i've done this distance before and less prepared by about 100%. i drove 5 hours there alone and ran the steps of what should happen in my head over and over again. i swam the day prior in the same lake and felt fine. then the moment came, 3...2...1 and almost immediately i felt that all 20 people were simultaneously passing me. demolishing me in the water. i got it in my head that the water was freezing and in actuality it was. i was emotionally drained. i'm ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in myself for what occurred in those next 60 seconds. the feeling of those anxiety attacks that used to strike more often than i'd like to admit. came back. and i couldn't settle myself down. i felt myself starting to over think the distance. a distance i've done a thousand times in the pool. i felt my breathing go, my legs went numb, the tears came and all the sudden i forgot how to move. all at exactly the same time. this was no longer a race with thousands where i could blend in. later as i sat on the grass hiding from embarrassment, i realized i was actually mid pack at that point. the attack got worse and i was pulled in, humiliated, defeated and questioning my own ability. once i got out of the water i sat and wallowed. i ran through my head all the things you aren't supposed to and i was hard on myself for quitting. because that is what i did, i quit. DNF is a nice word they call it when you get a flat on your bike and are out of co2. i was having a panic attack and couldn't breathe. this was all me.
so as i thought about if i should share this piece on my otherwise "blog de la positivity" it hit me that yes i should. i should because this is what happened, this is the truth. it was real.
it was real when i placed in my top 10 AG in the same race two years in a row. the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. as soon as transition opened i ran to my bike, dodging those that might recognize me. i had a long drive to reflect, to remember that feeling that i never want to have again, i beat myself up, i told myself to quit entirely, i told myself that if i couldn't finish this, what could i finish? then i once again asked God for strength. i asked him if he could please cut me a break sometime soon. and then just like that (and i swear they weren't there on the way up) through my tears i saw hundreds of bright yellow flowers lining the road for miles. and it seemed as if each time a negative thought came into my head there they were again.
so i changed my tune. i came home, registered for the showdown at sundown olympic this saturday and went to bed. and then i woke up, headed straight to the pool swam, swam, and swam. i cursed at the water and counted lap after lap after lap after lap. i remembered my form, i closed my eyes for many laps envisioning the open water and that feeling of utter defeat. i feeling i vowed to never have again. i got out when i felt that i'd won the battle, for today. (it took a while)
so i know there are some in particular that will read this entry and think "i told her so" and to you, on may 7th, i will say ...... "i told you so"
"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." - Leroy Paige
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