they should put this on the warning label

there was a reason i signed up for the nyc marathon prior to completing IMSG.  it was because i had heard in discussions and whispers along the training path that ironman post partum is real and it sucks.  i had also heard that it would help to have something future dated, something to look forward to after you cross your ironman finish.  signing up for NYC was my first attempt at trying to prevent the inevitable, and signing up for cozumel was the final grasp for air.  neither worked.  it seems i've been hit.  with ironman post partum. 

at first it didn't seem so bad i had a week off, finished a 10k pretty strong the following weekend and wrapped it up with a PK monday night spin class.  but then it seemed i fell into a was that enough?  that was it?  i wanted the moments back, i wanted to cross the finish line again, yes, i even wanted the wall back.  i was supposed to feel different than i felt. wasn't i?  more accomplished?  i was supposed to feel like this big weight had been lifted.  i was supposed to feel different than i did.  i was waiting. 

however, while waiting i came to realize that perhaps i am a little to hard on myself. (go ahead laugh, yes its possible i'm just now coming to this conclusion)  perhaps i should stop and remember how hard i worked to get there, what i gave up, and where i was a year ago, 6 months ago, and even 3 weeks ago.  so although i don't look any different (except for the 163 tan lines down my arms)  or feel any different (except my clothes seemed to stop shrinking)  i need to come the conclusion that maybe I AM different.  in the many miles i dropped off some jealousy, a lot of anger, and even some guilt along the way.   so i'll continue this next journey much like i did the last with faith, strength and love, hope for the best and keep on keepin on.